A few months ago, after wallowing in an unusual amount of instability, I decided to start seeing a counselor again to help me stay grounded and to refocus. She recommended that I take some time to bring some closure to this chapter in my life. Admittedly, it is difficult for me to find a way to adequately symbolize the end of this remarkable experience. Maybe the problem is that I haven't learned the value of ritual or symbols. But tonight, I'm writing down all the things that have happened over the past two years that I'm thankful for, and I'm offering them up to God--the full and flowing River inside of my soul--in a sort of pseudo burnt sacrifice.
To simply say these things to God doesn't seem like it would be enough. I'd probably fall asleep trying to do so. I want to remember this stepping stone in life...a time when I feel like I'm coming out of a cocoon and learning how to fly. Maybe it is this moment of vulnerable but hopeful change that is so important to remember. Maybe this is what my counselor means by commemorating my time here with a sense of closure.
So here is my list of things I'm emphatically thankful for:
-Losing over 40lbs in fat and gaining 10 in muscle.
-Exceeding my own fitness goals and setting many new ones.
-Learning skills that enabled me to be a successful personal trainer.
-Watching clients exceed some of their wildest expectations.
-Discovering the value of money when it comes to building a future life, family, and marriage.
-Rebuilding and deepening my relationship with my oldest, best friend.
-Loving every moment of being an Auntie to my best friend's daughter.
-Delighting in holding my best friend's infant son just hours after his birth, and marveling at the gorgeous life she's brought into the world.
-Successfully teaching basic writing to college students.
-Discovering that my passion is in fitness.
-Finding out how much I love my brothers.
-Making some new friends with whom I'm sure I'll share future adventures.
-Learning that friendships and family relationships can, and do, surpass time and space.
-Learning that no matter how bad things get, there is always a possibility.
-Remembering how strongly I am bound to God, how deeply that River is embedded inside of me, and eager to drink deeply of the water that will keep me from ever thirsting again.
-Knowing that the decision I'm making to go to Korea is a proactive step towards a better future, a husband, and my future children.
-A world full of adventure and possibility.
-Remembering how to hope without everything being sucked dry by fear.
-Choosing to see beauty for ashes.
Maybe what I'm burning tonight symbolizes my desire to cling to hope--for all my hope is built on everything that I'm thankful for.
