Karma

One thing about life that you can count on is that it happens in cycles...at least that's what I've been told. Some cycles repeat more often than others so you can have the opportunity to make a better or different decision than the one you made the previous time around. In a sense, it's a form or reincarnation. And as a whole, it's a process I don't enjoy much even though I can appreciate its necessity

I may be quick to ask questions, but I'm slow to make big decisions.

So here I am again, on the precipice of decision, only this visit feels more crucial than any of the previous visits. I have tried and tested so many of my available options, that I fear the only thing left for me to do is totally reinvent myself, again!!!!

How exhausting!

I sound unhappy don't I? It's not so much unhappiness as it is disappointment. I used to place a huge stock in my hopes and dreams for my future. I had a jar full of beautiful chrysalises just itching to hatch, but time has aged them, and only a miracle could make butterflies of those worms now.

Contrary to how it may seem, I haven't given up on all my hopes. However, I am reluctant to expect to see them come to fruition. I'm not sure if this is damaging or just an honest resignation to the facts of reality.

There was a time when I thought what I'd expected of life was simple, and surely, because I wasn't demanding to walk on the moon or that I win the lottery, it would just fall into place for me so long as I made the right decisions. But life is a sum of peoples' decisions, not just my own. So somewhere, there is a chain link of decisions that keeps me from fully awakening into my own glory. I want to break that chain link. I want to own my own destiny. I want to take this miserable swamp I'm in and find a way through it.

According to the Chinese zodiac, I am a Boar. On a whole, the Chinese description of a Boar's traits accurately reflect me. One of the characteristics of a Boar is a high expectation of others. I'm coming to grips with the fact that I truly do expect too much of people. I tend to think that because I give people the benefit of the doubt, try to be honest, value integrity, work to maintain appropriate responsibility, seek to be a team player, and wish good things for people, that people will respect me and know that my heart desires peace. But it is wrong to expect people to treat you as a person of value and truth when there are too many humans who fall short of this expectation. It is also wrong to blame someone for their suspicious nature when they are only trying to protect themselves. How is anyone to truly know someone's inner nature? This world doesn't appreciate vulnerability and thrives on those who wear heavy protective armor.

While I may have always understood this logically, I have not behaved this way emotionally. (Sometimes my emotions and my intellect have an incredibly vast disconnect.) But my hopes, my heart, and my dreams have been trampled on and fear has created a shy bitterness in me. I am reluctant to distrust the people around me, but I have also learned that no one will take care of me except for myself, and there is some value in developing some survival instincts. Yet, I desperately hope that I do not lose all of my ability and desire to seek out and trust the good that is in the world.

Some people tell me that God is the only thing that can be trusted, and I expect that is true when it comes down to having someone who always keeps your best interest in mind. But I sincerely hope that there are more entities that can be trusted besides God. I'm not much good at having faith in the invisible and would like very much to believe that we are not all lost.

But maybe when it all boils down, God is all that's worth trusting. King Solomon, who asked God for wisdom when he could've asked for anything else in the world, wrote these words: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him,and He will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6 NASB).

Maybe my real problem is that I'm not trusting the right source.
And so the cycle continues...