If I Could, I Would...

If I could, I would...

The deep sadness has hit me. The deep, gut wrenching, soul splitting sadness.

I am a woman. Therefore, I feel--sometimes with an insane intensity. It has only been in recent years that I've begun to accept the fact that my feelings don't always match my thoughts. For example, I despise crying (unless it's appropriate:death, injury, or sickness); but no matter how much I do not want to cry, there are times when my feelings are so forceful that my tears betray me.

My wise counselor has often expressed her concern for my tendency to discriminate against certain feelings. She has helped me to understand that all my feelings are a valid expression of my internal self. The best thing I can do is to acknowledge the truth of my feelings, even if it is uncomfortable, because by embracing these feelings, I can best gain whatever closure I may need to move forward.

I expect that some of my sadness is simply a recognition of the joy I've experienced over the past couple of years. The reason it hurts to leave is because my soul has become intimately connected to a few kindred spirits. My heart literally feels like it is a rubber band that has been stretched so far that it is on the verge of splitting.

But I would never trade this pain. It tells me how intensely I have loved. I would much rather love and meet pain from time to time than to not love at all. The hard part is trying to remind myself to take Dr. Seuss's advice: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

A natural pessimist, it takes a lot of purposeful energy for me to stay focused on the positive. I have to pointedly remind myself that this pain is not the end of all things good; it doesn't mean that all the beauty I've experienced is lost to me; I can trust in the love that my friendships are built on; and the world, no matter how deep and wide, is small enough for all of these precious relationships to continue.

This doesn't change the fact that if I could stay, I would; if I could pack up everyone and take them with me, I would; if I could make the world kinder to all of us, I would; if I could ease the hurt my friends are feeling in my absence, I would...

But the best I can do, is wish all the goodness and happiness I can for all of us. So with the words of a beautiful Irish blessing, here goes...

To all the people I love:

"May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand."