I cannot deny the fact that God has worked miracles for me this year, and that I've learned how to recognize God's hand in my daily life. But in spite of everything God has been doing to help me grow my faith, I still have a long ways to go.
Praise is an important part of faith--it's an act of confidence that precedes the miracle. Praise is something I'm still working on...
But let me start by sharing some of the ways that God has been taking care of me. A couple of weeks ago, my landlord notified me that I still needed to pay the security deposit for the house I'm renting--apparently we both had forgotten about it. This worried me because I just barely make my rent every month--in fact, I knew that I would be making about $30 dollars past my rent for the month of February. I didn't know what to do, so I turned to my pastor for help. And by God's grace, he somehow found a way to give me the money to cover that security deposit! This act of kindness has meant the world to me.
Being able to pay for my rent and security deposit were definitely my largest financial concerns for February, but the last week of the month found me in a different sort of financial dilemma. I needed gas money to get to and from work during the week, I needed groceries, and I needed to pay tithe, but I didn't have enough money to do all three of those things. I briefly thought about holding off on the tithe until the following week after my next paycheck, however, I realized that God was testing my faithfulness, and since God has never done me wrong, I wrote the check. That left me to choose between gas and food. I chose gas. I figured that there would be no food coming at all if I didn't work, plus, if I really had to, I could turn to my church family for help with food. But I hoped I wouldn't have to ask for help from my church again after they had already done so much.
By the time Wednesday came around, I was out of bread, fresh, frozen, and canned vegetables/fruits, and milk. In fact, what food I had left was an odd assortment of things: cheese, eggs, 2 cans of black eyed peas, whipped cream, ketchup, soy sauce, guacamole seasoning, taco seasoning, a box of cereal, and a few other odds and ends. As I stood in the kitchen looking at my sad store of food, I threw up my hands and told myself that I had no reason to panic--I did have some food after all, it's not like I could say I was starving, and I had a paycheck coming in three days, so there wasn't any reason why I couldn't make do. But more importantly than all of that, I knew that God had my back, and everything would be fine.
On Monday, I ate my last banana, and began to psych myself out to settle for being grateful that I had food in my cupboards to eat at all. And while I probably could've gotten by on what I had for the rest of the week, God chose to intervene. Later that day, one of my friends asked me to drive her to the store, so I did. I was happy to hang out with her and her baby girl. She surprised me by sending me home with a Tupperware of fesh cut vegetables and another one with potato soup. I was so excited to have carrots, celery, and cucumbers to eat--the veggies and the soup covered at least two full meals. But by Wednesday morning, I was beginning to wonder what I was going to do for breakfast because I had finally run out of eggs and milk. During my work shift that night, I couldn't help but debate my options for breakfast. I knew I could eat cereal dry, or with water, or I could crack a can of beans, they counted as a good protein source. As my shift came near to its close, I experienced a small rush of customers, and that's when God surprised me. The last customer tipped me $2. I could have cried with joy--immediately my heart went out with gratitude to God. Between the tip and the few coins I had in my car, I was able to buy milk--I was set for breakfast for the rest of the week! But God didn't stop blessing me there, because the next day, I was asked to accompany a church member to a complimentary lunch. The instant I was asked if I would go to lunch, I couldn't keep myself from grinning--I recognized this invitation as yet another way that God was providing vegetables for me! Believe me, I was never so excited to have lettuce and a slice of tomato on a sandwich before! To top it all off, my mother called me Friday morning to see if I would like her to come visit--and I didn't say anything to her about my food troubles, but she offered to buy me some fruit and vegetables at the store. Once again, I found myself in awe of the ways of God. He definitely blessed me above and beyond what I had asked for--I had just asked God to help me manage till payday.
Payday came, and then so did my tax return--a part of which I set aside to return to God as a thank-offering. But just as soon as I began to relax and feel like things were finally really looking up, my car's battery died. I didn't panic, however, instead I thanked God that I was working a shift at Bi Lo when it happened--this gave me access to my manager who was able to jump-start my car, allowing me to make it to my second job on time. But once I arrived at my second job, and turned my car off, I discovered that it wouldn't restart. And yet again, God came through in the form or a co-worker who was able to jump-start my car and then go to Wal-mart with me where I purchased a new battery. My co-worker even installed the new battery for me!
As I was driving home from Wal-mart, breathing a deep sigh of relief and gratitude, I noticed, with some concern, that the red battery light, on my dashboard, was on. It hadn't been on before, so I wondered if something was wrong. I called my dad to see if he had any ideas about what it might mean. When he suggested the possibility that maybe the alternator had gone bad, something in my snapped. I totally flipped--I was so angry. Exercising faith is a beautiful thing, but it is also exhausting! My poor dad had to endure my outburst. "I can't believe this! How am I going to be able to afford to fix the alternator? Seriously, what am I going to do?!!! I HATE this year! I'm so sick of all of this. Every time I feel like I'm about to catch my breath, something else goes wrong!"
Once my little hissy fit was over, I immediately regretted it. I was still upset, but I also felt like I'd cracked under pressure when I should've reminded myself of the ways that God had blessed me and praised Him with the confidence that He would take care of this too. It is moments like these when I feel how very small and human I am. In fact, I was somewhat worried that God might not help me out after such faithless behavior.
The next morning, I prayed that God would help my car, and then I took it into the local auto shop. I explained to the mechanic there that I was poor, and probably couldn't afford to fix the car, but I would at least like to know what was wrong with it, so I knew what I was dealing with. Then I asked if they did any sort of payment plans, but of course, they didn't. As much as I tried to remind myself that God was in control, I couldn't keep myself from worrying. I was too anxious to sit at the body shop and wait, so I walked about ten minutes to a local flower shop where I chose to await my car's destiny. In order to help calm my nerves, I kept reciting Bible verses to myself. One that I kept coming back to was "In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths" (Pr. 3:6 NKJV). A couple of hours later, I got a phone call from the mechanic. It went something like this:
Mechanic:"Hello...Heather?...I've taken a look at your vehicle..."
Me:...ok... (I was so afraid to hear what might come next).
Mechanic: Well, I can fix your car for $42.60.
Me: Really??!! That's wonderful! Yes! (I even raised my fist in the air in celebration at this point) Let's do that! Can you fix it now?
I was elated. After fearing that I would have to find a way to get hundreds of dollars to replace the alternator, I was thrilled to find that I could afford to repair the car with some of the money from my tax return.
I've spent a lot of time over the past few days thinking about all these events and how I've reacted. I'm thankful to see that my faith has grown, but disappointed to also observe that when things got too big for me to see some sort of solution, I panicked. I still act more like the untrusting Israelites in the wilderness. I suppose that one doesn't just suddenly find themselves to possess the kind of faith that Abraham had.
However, I am confident in the grace of God. He still works in my favor even when I don't display my best behavior. Some of the things that I keep meditating on as I pray for a change of heart and praise God for His goodness come from Jesus words to people who were struggling like me:
"I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today" (Matt 6:25-34).
There has never been a time in my life when these words have moved me like they do now. I am stricken by their potency. Jesus words are full of love and encouragement. I pray that I will keep them at the forefront of my mind. For I believe that it is only by keeping God's words in my mind and heart that I will maintain my sanity and a hope for greater things still to come.
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