Mistakes are Expected

Ever done something that was so entirely against your principals that you couldn't believe that you did it? Today this is me. I'm puzzled with myself. Disappointed but not entirely surprised. And above all else, sad. In a recent series of decisions, I compromised my character and behaved in a way that drastically opposes some of my most valued moral beliefs. Why?

In one of his more personal moments, Paul wrote the following lament: "So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?" (Romans 7:14-24 NLT).

My soul is in agony with itself--like Paul I feel as if I'm in a huge war against myself. But even worse than that is the new set of fears that are building up inside of me. What happens if my friends find out? What about my church or my pastor? What about my family? Who will still love me when they see that I'm a broken mess--a failure to myself, my faith, and God?

Consequences--whether we mean to or not, sin has a price. But I grasp with all I am onto the hope that God will continue to shower me with grace. I am a blind man, and like the one who called out to Jesus in desperation, my heart humbly echoes the blind man's cry, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" (Luke 18:38).

As I seek some solace for my bruised soul, I find my mind continually coming to rest on the great characters in the Bible who warred against their flesh and fought for complete enlightenment. King Solomon was a perfect victim of his own sorry decisions--and even with all his wisdom, he failed himself. He was way beyond knowing better, but he gave into his weaknesses and with a sense of regret and a desire to save others from similar fates, Solomon wrote:

"I, the Teacher, was king of Israel, and I lived in Jerusalem. I devoted myself to search for understanding and to explore by wisdom everything being done under heaven. I soon discovered that God has dealt a tragic existence to the human race. I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless—like chasing the wind.
What is wrong cannot be made right.
What is missing cannot be recovered.
I said to myself, “Look, I am wiser than any of the kings who ruled in Jerusalem before me. I have greater wisdom and knowledge than any of them.” So I set out to learn everything from wisdom to madness and folly. But I learned firsthand that pursuing all this is like chasing the wind.
The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief.
To increase knowledge only increases sorrow" (Ecc. 1:12-18 NLT).

Solomon had a great heart for God and a strong capacity for love, but he got sidetracked by his lust. Solomon had more women than probably any other man in the world, and was blessed with great wealth, but in the end worldly admiration, sex, and money were meaningless--like chasing the wind...

One can sense the pain and earnestness in Solomon's final words in Ecclesiastes: "The words of the wise prod us to live well. They're like nails hammered home, holding life together. They are given by God, the one Shepherd. But regarding anything beyond this, dear friend, go easy. There's no end to the publishing of books, and constant study wears you out so you're no good for anything else. The last and final word is this: Fear God. Do what he tells you. And that's it. Eventually God will bring everything that we do out into the open and judge it according to its hidden intent, whether it's good or evil (Ecc. 12:11-14 The Message Remix).

Like Solomon, many others in the Bible failed themselves and God, but through grace, were able to still be used by God. King David lusted, committed adultery and murdered, yet, he is still known as "a man after god's own heart"--a man who hungered and sought after God even in the midst of his failure! Abraham questioned God's methods and promises and allowed Sarah to convince him to take Hagar as a concubine to produce an heir--this only served to create a great rivalry that continues even today. But even so, Abraham is the father of faith, and the man through whom God chose to pass on the greatest of blessings to all future generations. Moses was a stuttering murderer who doubted himself, and still God used him to lead the Israelites out of captivity to a land of promise. Rahab was a prostitue, but God used her to protect Israelite spies, and it was through her bloodline that Jesus was born. Mary Magdalene had seven demons cast out of her, but she became one of Jesus best friends--so much so that she was the first person that Jesus chose to appear to after his resurrection. Paul was a strong advocate for the genocide of early Christians, but God changed his heart and sent him as a missionary all over Europe.

All of these great Bible characters are my ancestors--men and women who, despite their flaws, managed to hang onto their faith and passed it on.

As I ponder my poor decisions and deal with the consequences, I find myself tearfully repeating the broken words of King David: "Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins. Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin. For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night. . . Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me—now let me rejoice. Don’t keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me (Psalm 51:1-3, 7-11 NLT).

Oh how I long for a faith that will override my human weaknesses--how I pray to be strong in my principals. And as I wade through this filth, I keep picturing in my mind's eye Jesus as He spoke love to the woman who was brought to Him to be stoned for adultery: "Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you? “No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”" (John 8:10-11 NLT).

It is Jesus' profound, unconditional, compelling love that won Paul's heart and caused him to desire a soul rebirth. And what a rebirth it was! From genocide mastermind to missionary. As Paul says, "What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:31-39 NLT).

I believe that it is God's perfect love for me that is changing me, making me new, and restoring me. It is this love that causes me to kneel in repentance, to raise my hands and heart in submission, and to hope for greater things yet to come.

My precious Father in Heaven, I'm sorry for my failure, but I trust in your restorative power!